The Real Housewives of 1955

I’m thinking of producing a new reality television series, “The Real Housewives of 1955”. Ok, so there’s a lot of “housewives” shows out there, but nothing like what I’m proposing. This one is really the bees knees.

It stars Mildred Schwartz as an east coast happy homemaker who lives in a fashionably modern split level ranch home with her two obedient children, Debbie and Robbie and her devoted hubby, Herb, an accountant who drives a nifty station wagon with real wood panels.

Millie’s lavish lifestyle does differ somewhat from today’s real housewife. Although she pines for a full length mink coat, she's happy with the fox stole Herb bought her for their tenth anniversary. And thank goodness she can still afford to smoke! A pack of Luckys has gone up to a quarter.

Mildred is a sociable hostess and enjoys her Wednesday afternoon bridge games with the gals. (Pole dancing parties are still just a vague naughty dream). She thrills to shopping sprees at Loehmanns where the designer labels are covered over with a sharpie marker. Who knew about the January sales in Milan back then?

Her otherwise manageable children do get into the occasion pickle with the school principal (usually for chewing gum in class), but she never has to worry about Debbie’s grades because who in the world would send a daughter to college? Isn't she going to get married anyway?

Robbie, her eldest, does smoke the occasional Camel cigarette, but Millie’s sure he’d never smoke anything really dangerous. Wasn’t Reefer Madness was just shown at Tuesday’s school assembly?

Just for the record, it’ll be at least ten years before everyone’s teenage daughter gets a nose job from Dr. Kaplan and at least another 30 years before they get new boobs in LA.

As long as the kids do their homework, brush their teeth with Ipana and save eating their Good Humor ice cream pops for after dinner (so they don’t spoil their appetite) life is peachy keen.

Although housework can be a little taxing, Millie knows a spotless kitchen is the mark of a successful woman. After all, cleanliness is next to godliness.

Millie; however, is no saint. No sir-eee. She enjoys a nice Martini or two,… maybe three with the girls over bridge, or while doing a bit of tidying up.

Dressed in a starched, pink shirtwaist dress, she’s always perfectly poised and coiffed as she merrily goes about her daily chores. Her Playtex cross your heart bra lifts and separates, allowing her to vacuum with grace and whisk away vodka spills from the formica countertops with confidence. One never knows who might drop in to borrow a cup of sugar.

One thing’s for sure. Mildred would never be caught dead in curlers and a hair net like her neighbor Mrs. Schultz, who has no class and is always airing her dirty laundry in public. Such unladylike behavior is unthinkable for a Real Housewife of 1955.

A staunch believer in doing the right thing, Mildred keeps up with current affairs by reading Life Magazine every week. She's learned to protect her assets too. She always uses Lux to wash the dishes because it’s gentle on her hands. To be extra careful, she slips on a pair of Playtex Living Gloves because they’re so flexible you can pick up a penny (and every cent counts).

Her window to the world, the console television (or Boob Tube) is fast becoming her best friend. Commercials, like Spic and Span, Alka-Seltzer and Maypo cereal provide her with an arsenal of tools to carry out her much-coveted role. Programs like “I Love Lucy” inspire her to support her husband in as many clever ways as possible, including sewing her own dress and giving herself a Toni home permanent. Times being what they are, she certainly wouldn’t want to become one of those wives who have to go to work to make end meet.

Yes indeedy…Mildred is happy with her lot and has long since understood that housework is like the cycle of life; You clean your home, the family messes it up; then you clean it again. It’s a universal law.

But housework is not everything for heaven’s sake! Mildred often chit-chats over coffee and Entenmann's with her best friend and favorite bridge partner Vivian Kaminsky, a perky, petite blonde who was once a popular high school cheerleader.

For the first Six episodes of The Real Housewives of 1955, Mildred and Vivian are tighter than a Playtex panty girdle. Vivian is always happy to share insightful gossip with Mildred. What’s more, she makes the best Jello mold in the neighborhood. But in episode Seven things start to fall apart for Vivie.

She confides to Millie that she’s discovered lipstick on her husband Albert’s collar. Shortly thereafter, Vivian’s impeccable behavior becomes erratic. At a PTA meeting she claims to see Peter Lorre spiking the punch bowl. Subsequently, and to Mildred’s dismay, Vivian adopts the unladylike behavior of regularly taking her clothes off in the new Grand Union Supermarket. After considerable gut wrenching on the part of Mildred, Herb and Albert, Dr. Kaplan announces that Vivian has had a “nervous breakdown”. A few days rest at the Eden Roc in Miami Beach and she’ll be as right as rain. Mildred is elated and relieved and celebrates by throwing a Tupperware party for the girls.

Here are just a few of the proposed episodes:

• The Milkman Cometh
• What To Do When Your Coupons Expire
• The Big Catfight Over Millie’s Stolen Tomato Aspic Recipe
• Debbie’s Calgon Bath Gone Wrong
• Who Ate All the Olive Loaf?

I’d better submit my treatment to the networks, lickity-split. I mean faster than you can say “Jack Robinson”, because according to tittle-tattle, LinkTV is considering a similar series, The Real Housewives of Mumbai. When that happens, the ratings will indubitably get so out of control I won’t stand a hope in heck.

In the meantime I’m still trying to schmooze the sponsors, Nescafé and Playtex Living Bras to come on board, but they’re bickering over the time slot. In all honesty, I wouldn’t be terribly surprised if the whole kit and kaboodle doesn’t fly. After all, a series about quasi-puritanical housewives could get old fast, kinda like leftover tuna noodle casserole.

If the show (like most of my brilliant program submissions) bites the dust, I’d still like to tip my hat to the real “sponsors” of this story, Paul Kepple and Jude Buffum, creators of “The Housewives Tarot”.

http://www.housewivestarot.com

Inspiration sometimes comes from the most peculiar places, and that website is a peculiar place to be sure.

As a side note, in my 5 months of publishing Hubs, I’ve yet to sell one single item from that blasted Amazon capsule. I swear to goodness, if I don’t sell at least one of those rib-tickling Tarot decks from this link (the amazon link not the site link), I’ll eat my hat, pin and all.

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