Stupid Beauty Secrets

I’m a sucker for beauty secrets, especially those “natural” remedies for sagging skin, split ends and other annoying ‘defects’ that compromise the beauty of the ideal woman according to the media and subsequently, the general public.

Although deep down I know this entire egocentric, narcissistic obsession with staying lovely contradicts the gentle bohemian goddess that dwells within, I am alas, too human and too attached to the happiness principle of surrounding oneself with beauty. This often includes beauty products such as the latest miracle face cream.

Most women today face the same conundrum with warrior strength determination to stay beautiful. How can we resist the temptation to at least try products that will (almost) instantly transform us into objects of supreme desire? It does become easier if we're able to weed out the snake oil salesmen and debunk the old wives tales.

Having said that, allow me to present a sampling of some of the more absurd, ineffective methods for combating the ravages of time. I've culled my information from skin and hair specialist but I've also conducted my own tests at home.

#1 - You’ll lose weight if you wrap yourself in Saran Wrap.

• The theory behind this myth is that your body will sweat away the pounds while you merrily go about your daily business. It’s true that plastic wrap, makes you sweat like a pig, but it can also make you faint from heat exhaustion. Those that promote it recommend you “keep a scissors handy” just in case you feel faint or go nuts. The problem is, for all your trouble and discomfort, you won’t lose many inches (if at all) and you’ll put that water weight loss back in a day or less.

#2 - Slather petroleum jelly (Vaseline) on your face at night and you’ll prevent wrinkles.

• This is a load of rubbish. Wearing a face-full of Vaseline to bed will only grease up your pillow, your hair and your bed-mate. Although petroleum jelly is good for locking in moisture, it also blocks up your pores. When pores get blocked, the oil backs up in the follicle causing the follicle to rupture. Result - a pimple! So now you have wrinkles and zits. BTW, wrinkles are not caused by dry skin. (more on this later)
  

#3 - Never use soap on your face because it will dry out your skin.

• This Stupid Beauty Secret originated when soap was made out of lye (which is an acid) and animal fat (which isn’t even a cleanser). Unless your soap of choice is the 100-year-old product Fels-Naptha, (still good for poison ivy), you’re ok using today’s commercial beauty soaps. I do emphasize “beauty” because I still think cheap soaps without a moisturizer can be drying over time – but that’s just my opinion.

#4 - If you shave your legs, the hair will grow back in twice as thick.

• I remember my Mom telling me not to shave my legs (I was 13) because my pale blonde hairs would grow in thick and black. She was incorrect. Shaving does not change your genetic code. Your hairs will; however, grow in where the razor left off, creating stubble. The number of hairs on your pretty little leg stays the same. Waxing, on the other hand, removes the hair from the root, so new growth begins at the tip of the hair rather than in the middle.

#5 - Drink lots of water because it leads to beautiful skin.

• I really believed this one for a long time; after all, isn’t water the new fountain of youth? Apparently it isn’t when it comes to youthful skin.  So far there’s no connection between guzzling down 8 or more bottles of water a day and collagen production. Collagen is the main protein of connective tissue, which keeps your skin firm. They do say that eating fruits and veggies do a better job keeping the skin elastic because they contain vitamins A, B, C and E.

#6 – If you pluck out a gray hair, ten more will grow in its place.

• I’m glad this myth has been debunked. My advice is to find a good colorist. It’s better than pulling out your hair.

#7 – Hot oil treatments and/or specialized shampoos will repair split ends.

• There are still loads of shampoos and conditioners that promise to heal those splitters. Guess what? Your hair is not “alive” like your bones. If it were, getting a haircut would be excruciating. Get a good trim every few months.

#8 – If you keep your face clean and use an astringent you won’t get blemishes.

A clean face does prevent blocked pores, especially if you use heavy moisturizers, beauty creams, make-up, even hair gels, but in general, blemishes are caused by hormones and excess oils. Too much washing actually increases oil production. Astringents dry out the top skin layers and they can actually encourage greater oil production.

#9 – Dry skin causes wrinkles

• For decades cosmetic companies have marketed their products based on this Stupid Beauty Secret. Wrinkles are caused not by lack of moisture, but by collagen loss - and collagen loss is accelerated by poor diet and too much exposure to the sun. There are newer non-surgical methods to increase collagen and natural collagen production. Forget the expensive moisturizers.

#10 – The sun is good for acne and pimples.

• The sun is good for growing plants and vegetables and for giving us a healthy dose of vitamin D. They even say it’s good for our eyesight and for producing endorphins, but no, it is not good for healing acne and pimples. It can actually worsen the condition over time.

#11 – If it’s cloudy, you don’t need as much sunscreen. 

• Those pesky UV rays go right through the clouds. You may feel cooler, but you still need your SPF 30.

#12 – Don’t mix different brands of skincare products.

• Has a department store cosmetologists ever told you that the skin firming product you just purchased for 50 dollars won’t be effective if you cover it up with a different brand of moisturizer?  It’s amazing how many people buy that line. I have, several times. It’s just a clever twist to the medical warning not to mix grapefruit juice with prescription drugs. (Which, by the way is not a stupid myth).

#13 – If you are allergic, you should buy organic skin care products.

• If you’re allergic to cucumbers and they’re the secret ingredient in Mr. Natural’s face cream, you’ll be sorry.

#14 – Chocolate causes your face to break out.

• I’m certainly glad about that Beauty Secret being debunked! Chocolate is, after all, nature’s tastiest aphrodisiac. Pimples aren't necessarily caused by diet.
  

#15 – If your face has large pores you can shrink them with the right product.

• This may be true except for the fact that “the right product” hasn’t been invented yet. The closest product is Retin-A, which is a super exfoliator. Exfoliants get rid of dead skin and bacteria. They help your pores return to their original size, but they will never make them any smaller than they were in the first place.
  

#16 – Hemorrhoidal creams such as Preparation-H shrink eye puffiness.

• One can almost see the logic behind this assumption; after all, it shrinks those nasty hemorrhoids…but the debunkers say it’s all a “pile” of hooey. The only thing that shrinks swollen tissue is a cold compress. Cucumber slices or an old pair of knickers will do the same thing; but they have to be cold.

#17 – Your skin pores open with a hot compress, and close with a cold compress.

• Your pores are not like flowers opening to the warm sunshine and closing with the cool of evening. It’s a myth.

#18 - If you stop exercising, your muscles will turn to fat.

• Muscle is muscle and fat is fat. One does not undergo a metamorphosis where one turns into the other. If you have built up muscle and you stop exercising, your muscle tissue will decrease in size. It’s also likely that you’ll get fat from sitting around doing nothing.

#19 – If you want to lose weight in your stomach, do a lot of sit ups; if you want to lose weight from your legs, run or do leg lifts.

• It’s sad but true; experts are now saying that it’s not possible to “spot reduce”. We lose weight when we burn more calories than we eat and we can choose foods that metabolize better than others, but we can’t instruct our bodies to burn fat in one particular location. On a brighter note, some say that you will reduce from the last place you gained weight.

#20 - Cellulite can be eliminated with the latest creams and treatments.

• Cellulite is just a fancy name for fat that causes an uneven, “cottage cheese” effect on the skin’s surface. The condition may be caused by broken down connective tissue. It’s a common condition that occurs in 80-90% of women. Many of us try to get rid of the dreaded dimples with topical creams that alas, do not penetrate deep enough to do any good.

  Despite the fact that medical community has shown “empirical evidence” that cellulite is an incurable, but harmless condition, new and often bizarre anti-cellulite treatments continue to flood the market.

So there you have it; Stupid Beauty Secrets revealed.  I hope this little list saves you from spending your valuable time and money on unfounded methods of rejuvenation. I for one, intend to move forward, pursuing the truth, while striving for perfection.

My inner goddess continues to observe all this nonsense with silent non-judgment.

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