How to Be Nice When You’re Mad As Hell
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When I was a little girl, I always thought of my parents as being “nice” people. They had lots of friends and they were happy most of the time.
My parents taught me to be nice too. "Don’t be argumentative" (because adults know best). "Don’t fight with friends" (just play nice). "Don’t be disagreeable" (people won’t like you and that’s really important) and above all, "Never loose your temper". Crying was an acceptable substitution and sometimes it got you somewhere, but in my case, it became much less effective, as I grew older.
It took me many years to realize just how nice I had become and strangely enough when I did arrive at that realization, I was greatly disappointed. Angry even. Nice people aren’t always powerful people, at least not in the business world. Although I held a position in upper management at a large corporation, I soon discovered that being nice wasn’t going to get me the promotion I deserved.
Exerting Your Power Is Tough for Nice People
Nice people are almost always perceived as being happy, tolerant and well adjusted, so even raising one’s voice is usually regarded as being excessive and uncalled for. The exploding nice person looks ridiculous, dare I say, out of character, and subsequently somehow “wrong”. I have been there and it’s maddening. It’s also unhealthy.
Perhaps that’s why a friendlier, smarter American female business executive has emerged. The black suited, aggressive female CEO has lost ground; making way for a more agreeable executive – one who can create a more likable, “relatedness” with both subordinates and colleagues of equal importance. I applaud that notion. I was that kind of executive, but I guess I missed the boat by 10 years. I do believe; however, that one can successfully incorporate those same methods today wherever you do business, even at home.
So how does a nice person deal with being mad as hell? How does one express oneself and still maintain the integrity of their true persona?
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Being a Nice Person, I’ve Experimented with Several Methods
Some methods work better than others, but when they do work, it's quite rewarding.
The most mature way to deal with a troubling situation is to get over it. If you are together enough to believe in a timeless world where there is no past or future you’ve got it solved; after all, you’re ok in the present moment because whatever is bothering you has either happened or will happened sometime in the future. So just detach yourself and choose to live in the moment. Why bother wasting energy on it? Problem solved.
A great many of you will say, “Hogwash” to this method. “I’m human, not some spaced-out guru” - and you may have a point.
For those of you who require something more grounded, I’ll suggest another method that involves dealing with the object of your anger in a clever way.
"The Power of Relatedness"
If you’re angry with someone and you want to express how you feel without inciting an argument, begin by relating to their side of the story, then when they feel empowered, express your own feelings without making them wrong. Here’s an example.
Boss: I really understand your situation. You’ve been working long hours and you have to deal with difficult clients. When you’re stressed out it’s challenging to be accurate, attentive and caring.
Employee: You’ve got that right! I'm extremely stressed out, especially since my son has been in trouble with the principal at school. Also, you know that my last assignment was a nightmare because the client never returned my phone calls.
Boss: I don’t know if you’re aware of it, but I’ve been putting in some long hours too and what’s more, I feel as though my team is letting me down. Right now I’m wrestling with a difficult situation that would force me to make some serious changes. I hope you can see things from my point of view as well.
Without writing a short novel I trust you get the idea. Expressing your own feelings without criticizing the other person for being the incompetent jerk that they are will often short-circuits a heated argument. That’s because, no one can deny you your feelings.
It’s not always easy, but it’s not as tough as the method of higher consciousness expressed in Method #1. Anyway, if the conversation does result in the exchange of positive energy, you’ll both win and the object of your displeasure will think you are a nice person.
So whether you’re a woman testing out the preferred corporate image, or just a regular Joe who is, to quote Peter Finch in Network , “Mad as hell and not gonna to take it anymore”, arguing nicely is worth a try.
An Academy Award Winning Primal Scream
No One Gets Mad Better Than Basil Fawlty (John Cleese)
Here are a few words of wisdom on which to ponder, when you’re Mad as Hell
Thomas Jefferson: "When angry count to ten before you speak. If very angry, count to one hundred."
Robert F. Kennedy: "Don't get mad, get even."
Marcus Aurelius: "How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it."
Buddha: "Anger will never disappear so long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts of resentment are forgotten."
Sri Chimnoy: "You may have every right to be angry with someone, but you know that by getting angry with him you will only lose your precious peace of mind."
Wayne Dyer: "There's nothing wrong with anger as long as you use it constructively"
Mark Twain: "When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained."
© Copyright Green Lotus, 2011. All rights reserved.
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I wish I were so mature! But, Green Lotus, I've never lived in that corporate world, and see myself utilizing these ideas with family members.
I'm going to bookmark this to read again...when I'm not so angry! :o)
Hi Jai! Thank you. I somehow sensed you were a nice guy :)
Ah lorlie, the corporate world is just a family in suits. Thanks for the bookmark!
I'm lucky because, very wisely, no one has given me any positions of responsibility - my dad had a business and used to say if you get worked up, you've lost. I'm not sure how I would get on!!
Great hub - I've been thinking of writing about anger myself - my own feeling is that it's not the person who makes us angry that we dislike but the feeling itself - apparently in our natural state we should be happy.. oh, I'm off again. I'm making a resolution for the New Year to not go off on tangents all the time. I want to cut my hubs down to 500 words each time!
Nice clip!! Was that Christopher Plummer? I hardly recognised him!!
Thanks apricot! And thanks for noting the clip with Peter Finch. Anyway..you don't need to change anything! I love your tangents.
Great hub! I have discovered that while it certainly does no good to be a hothead, it also does no good to keep things bottled inside forever. Something's bound to explode. I guess it's the trick of striking a balance. I loved the quote you provided by Marcus Aurelius: "How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it." So true!
Great advice, Green Lotus. 'Relatedness' is such a great word to describe the interconnection we all, um, enjoy. Thank you :)
Sunflowerb I know just what you mean. That's why I love the Network clip I guess..everyone shouting out the window, "I'm Mad as Hell"! Exploding into a pillow is good too :)
Hello Jess! Good to see you here. Thanks for relating to my hub :)
The is a tough one for me. I wear my feelings on my face and on my mouth. I't's really hard for me to be nice when I'm mad. Best thing for me to do is cool way down first, then try to deal with whatever it is that I have to deal with.
Cooling down is good! Hope you have a wonderful holiday Alek! I bet the Inn is warm, cozy and beautiful this time of year.
One of the things that we used to say to each other in the office whenever someone blows their top is "Simmer down." George Costanza's father used to yell out, "Serenity now!" I just write it down until I can't write anymore :D
Thanks for all the great advice, Green Lotus!
Ah serenity! Seinfeld/David wisdom. A Merry Christmas to you my friend; peace, happiness, wisdom.
nice article, and oh, so true. I do attempt to stay in the moment and look at how necessary or unnecessary it really is.
anger is energy, so misdirected it can be really ugly or very effective when directed towards solutions. sometimes I catch myself on the ugly path and stop. thanks for sharing! great info.
You are so welcome rE! Have a lovely, peaceful holiday..and I hope you stay on the "happy' path :)
Green Lotus,
Great points you have made here and interesting advice as well. Thanks for sharing options when we become consumed with anger. To add another saying from my dad: Is it worth what you have to lose to prove you are right? I always ask this quesstion before leaping. Usually when we are angry, it is never at the other person, it is at oursleves for allowing ourselves to be in that position in the first place. Whether it is in the corporate world or at home, what we do anywhere, is what we do everywhere. A moment of anger is as alekhouse says a point for self analysis, then address not just the current circumstance but also the underlying cause. When we "pacify" others, we are still being passive, whatever we do it must be with sincerity, softening the blow is still a blow. A thumbs up on this hub as we all seek ways to shift from anger to joy. Keep shining so brightly and seeking inner peace and to share it with others!
Thank you emo for your kind words and wise comments. I like your Dad's comment too about what you lose when you try to be right. We should always ask ourselves, "What's the real payoff? How do YOU feel now that you've expressed your anger?"
Hopefully, with some deeper analysis one can achieve a symbiotic outcome where the final payoff is that both parties win.
Thanks for your kind response. In reference to creating win-win..this is a fallacy sold to us by corporate bylaws, it is what keeps us losing. They do not operate by this system and neither should we. Each of us creates only for ourselves, we cannot create for another, therefore we cannot create win-win, only the "opportunity" for win-win. The only way we can create this opportunity is by recognizing we create only for ourselves, be true to oursleves with the deepest integrity and allow others to choose accordingly for themselves. Noone can ever save you from yourself and likewise you can never save another. Stop trying to save everyone, you cannot rescue anyone when you are floundering, keep yourself on solid ground, anger will not play a part in your existence, and now you have solid ground to offer to anyone who may be interested in it.
Very interesting advice emo. There's something very liberating when you say,"Stop trying to save everyone".
The most difficult question for me is - How does one maintain integrity, control ones anger without burying it and subsequently, compromising one's own well being and general health?
The only answer I see is to exercise "relatedness" and to enroll the opponent into your cause without living into their drama.
I have always struggled with anger. Growing up getting angry was a dangerous thing so I never really got to learn how to be angry and constructive. I was always nice when I should have gotten mad. With everyone but my hubby I can still be ever so nice when mad as hell, hubby is to close to me to avoid being told when I think he is being selfish or whatever. I would be interested in reading a hub about how to be successfully angry without feeling bad about it after :)
I just have to add that there is a great video you should add to this hub for laughs, I can't find a smoother running one then this one tho :(
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78b67l_yxUc&feature
Hope you like it :)
Thanks kirsten! It's up! I LOVE Fawty Towers! Basil is my favorite madman (next to my English brother-in-law).
Also, it looks like we have a few nice things in common. I too would welcome another Hub on successful, constructive anger.
I think that's what made Peter Finch's classic outburst so popular right after the film "Network" came out in 1976. The whole country was able to do just that - shout out a guiltless, unrehearsed 'primal scream'.
Glad to have suggested the video then :D
Maybe I will write a hub on how to be angry and constructive or something similar some day when I am feeling very well balanced and harmonious with myself. Who knows if I get to writing that hub first I may well help myself by trying to help others :)
Great idea! I'll be looking out for it:)
Hi, Green Lotus, I was reading this with interest as I have always been too 'Nice'. But then the worm turned and I got angry too often, and as you say, people do not take you seriously. So now I get angry with the people who don't know my past niceness, and smile like an imbecile with people who do!! I always remember a film called Nikita, it was also an american series, but in the film the woman teaching Nikita, said 'insult anybody you like, but always keep a smile on your face when you do it, it will just confuse them!! Great advice... thanks Nell
I loved this hub, but it assumes that those you are dealing with are fair honest and reasonable? Tough one, I have used anger as a tactic many times in my life, but it is only just that a tactic. Try to get brick layers to work without anger in your voice. Believe me they are not " perceived as being happy, tolerant and well adjusted " This is another great hub that keeps me interested in the pages. Good on you mate! Bearclaw
Interesting Nell! A smile on your face, OOOh I know I've tried that one but those who know me too well cleverly see right through it:) You on the other hand, have a gift! Thanks as always for your comments.
Bearclaw- Great food for thought! I like your take on anger as a "tactic". I admit I can only report from my life regarding the "happy, tolerant and well adjusted" definition and I admit there are many nicies out there that may be perceived as being otherwise. You know, it's interesting, this is one of the most "controversial" hubs I've ever posted. Says something about my reserved nature..I believe I'm on the cusp of something daring :)
Great hub Green Lotus, loads of really useful information and some great quotes also. Job well done.
Thanks wrenfrost! I really appreciate that.
Thanks for writing this Green Lotus! I can empathize - I am also the type of nice, quiet person who doesn't get taken seriously. I don't really like getting angry either! I try to put myself in the other person's shoes to defuse the situation. I currently work in retail so I have to use that tactic along with the kill-em-with-kindness or smile-even-when-being-insulting tactics. It does help!
Thanks for your comments Carilaya and welcome to Hubpages! You have a really tough job in retail but it looks like you've master the technique :)
I have just now read my first Green Lotus Hub and I must say I am amply impressed. It's a great story with sound advice written perfectly. I see you have an excellent resume. I'm well pleased that you graced us with your presence here in the Hub Pages Community.
So honored to see you here James and thank you for your kind words. Wishing you a very Happy Holiday!
I can relate to your story about being nice. In fact I am way too nice in certain situations, and once I finally had enough tenacity to stand up for myself, and people told me I was being unreasonable. Actually no I was not, but they were taken aback by me speaking my mind. In the online world I actually write more than what I say to people in public situations. I often tend to hold back in those.
I hear you loud and clear. I wish I had your tenacity and eloquence. Thanks for your comment as always!
I like this hub
Thanks Brandon!...and Merry Christmas!
Oooohhh, this hub is giving me flashbacks of so many similar situations. My way of handling an angry situation is similar to the look on the cat's face. I usually give a frown/smile just like that...LOL! Thanks for sharing!
Hello Money Glitch! Good to see you here! Frown/smiles keep em guessing - cool.
Holy Cow it is hard to find the right words to search for on Google on ANGER. My anger has been at a point of instant default since I haven't had anyone to talk to, especially about such a desperate kind of topic the way I experience it. One awesome feature of therapy for me was that on a regular basis I had someone hearing about my life, my choices; I felt validated by having someone I respected doing this for me. People like myself who are angry a lot of the time, usually are isolated and lonely too. Everything besides our obligations makes us feel overloaded because we do allow any encouragement in from our sources.
monabologna - thanks for your commments and for sharing your experience. I hope you are able to continue talking to people about your situation and your feelings. Communication is so important and if you can talk to a professional or even a true friend, it's always rewarding. My best to you in all endeavors.
This is a great way to open a discussion on a serious subject. We all get feelings like this at times, and we want to take our frustrations on things or people. The office or job is where we will most likely "pop". The home is the place I least want to bring my temper or frustrations. I live with a Hubber here called Cheeky Girl and she has a room we call it the Scary room, and we go there to argue, no arguements are allowed anywhere else in her apartment except there. I have never seen anything like it anywhere. It's quite a bizarre system, but believe it or not, there is great Kharma in the rest of the place. I wonder why? H'mm. It keeps the "home" very peaceful.
I love fawlty Towers. Cleese is pure joy.
Thanks for stopping by Astra! A Scary room, wow. What a great concept! Kinda puts your head in the right place, since you have to let the anger go to leave the room. I love it.
Well written,
I had to deal with anger last night. My friend and I had a big falling out and now we are not talking. I still feel angry today about it all.
Your article has helped me out. Thanks heaps
Thank you! It's always nice to hear you've been helpful. I hope you and your friend work it out!
a nice person will absorb any sort of madness,because he will be always in the state of nothing.those who try to be nice may
retaliate after a critical point,because there is lot of difference between the one which are born with and one which you have cultivated.
Interesting comment ramtulip. Thanks for contributing to the discussion!
Great stimulus for dialogue GL. Anger is a lot like Ju-Jitsu....If you keep the force of it, it tears you apart, but if you turn the energy back on itself, it dissipates. Lately I've let anger kickstart me into some positive gesture or affirmation--after all, it's just energy, why not let it do some good for a change. =:)
Great thinking Winsome! I like the concept to refocus the energy. I guess I do it everyday. HP helps a lot!
Anger makes me aware that I have issues about a certain topic so I stop, breathe and find out what it is. LOL And then I can relax! Being nice and being able to speak one's truth does a lot of wonders in getting one's way. Great hub Green Lotus. Blessings to a wonderful week ahead! :)
Smart thinking ripple. It's that whole concept of really being mad at yourself! LOL. Thanks for your kind words and a great week wished to you too!
This is a great hub. I have to adapt to doing these alternate things because I get very frustrated easily and it shows definately, thanx 4 the great advice.
Thanks stacies. I have those moments too and have to remember to go back to this hub for another read :)
I like it when you said to use anger constructively. I believe that anger can be controlled and it can be roll-diced to suit one's needs. Eliminating the deep anger within causes nothing but good for the person itself.
hubpageswriter - Thanks for the well presented comment. I agree.
Your hub reminded me of a quote I heard once: "worry is a misuse of the imagination." I think it is possible that the same could be said about anger. It seems that anger blocks off a lot of other resources that could be valuable for problem solving. Great ideas here and inspiration to try to shift the thinking processes - the hardest trick is to remember to do this when anger strikes! :-)
M Selvey - I like the way you think! Great comment and thanks for the visit.
Coincidentally, I was just thinking about coincidences! Hey, good hub. I don't know if quantum entanglement has anything to do with it, but I generally feel happy when coincidences happen. They just feel right.I have Skull Table Lamp next to my bed with live size skull and it keep eye on my soul.
Tom - You must be commenting on my Hub "What to Do with a Coincidence", but the message is clear. Thanks.
To Green Lotus: Being nice is rewarded in the long run. Not in heaven but in this world. By being nice, it shows the offendng person that you refuse to stoop to his/her level. Many times being bitchy and vengeful does backfire and oftentimes ruins a promising career. I know of people who were confrontational towards a superior much to their regret. The superior had the power to deny the promotion and to give damning references and confrontational people were doomed to remain in the same position while the nicer person got the promotion because he/she showed self-control and maturity in the workplace.
gmwilliams - Choosing to be agreeable rather than argumentative in confrontational situations usually "disarms" the person who finds fault with you or a situation. As you say, it's a very gracious and mature person who can swallow their own ego and choose not to be engulfed by conflict. Thanks for the visit!
Great hub! I have a hard time controlling my temper at times. It's better to be controlled with your emotions.
carolinemd - So nice to meet you and i'm so glad you found this hub worthwhile. Anger sometimes gets the best of us (in may ways), but it's good to practice some of the more powerful techniques for getting your point across to those with whom you have issues.
I used to watch Network a lot more often- before it became the reality of News networks. Now it's scary to watch. but that scene with Peter Finch I've always loved.
Basil Falty only won a single episode - he quit and then then checked into the Hotel at the end of the episode. As such, he was no longer in charge and would not be blamed for anything. Yeah for the underdog!
I have a short temper. I admit it freely. That said, I think all that you suggest is easier to do in person when you actually know the person, rather than online. We don't really know anyone online.
Flora - Basil is one of my favorite "angry" characters, probably because he can't help himself (and probably enjoys getting angry)...but that's another subject!
I agree, this Hub is directed at dealing with real friends and associates. Cyber friends much easier to "unfriend".
Jai Warren 2 years ago
Join the club Green Lotus. I was always too nice for my own good. Your concept of relatedness is a great way to make a point without "blowing your top". For those people who do go crazy when they're MAH, what goes around comes around!